Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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