Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
you inspire me to be a worse person
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
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