I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
