I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
hell yes lets make some ravioli
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?