More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.