capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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