It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
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the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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