Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
