mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops