Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
