Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
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He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
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No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
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