my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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