I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
