Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
