sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
