I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
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SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
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He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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