A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Terrible idea I love it
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
