I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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