You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
