Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
