I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
