i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
So many bounce houses so little time
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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