'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
