so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
