We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance