matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
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Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
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All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.