I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
