I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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