It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
