Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
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The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
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I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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