ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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