I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
