i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
