similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
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The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
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It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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