I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
everyone is single if you try hard enough
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
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