I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
