can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
