You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
