I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
sarcasm needs its own font
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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