Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
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you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
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Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit