idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
20 People Confess What It’s Really Like To Live Under Sharia Law
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
21 Texts That Prove All the Magic Happens in Parking Lots
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?