my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
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There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
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I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.