glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.