another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
