remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
