theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
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this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
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I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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