Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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