So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high