The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT