I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
