I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
