i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
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He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
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If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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