Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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