checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Randomize
