Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.