just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
